Jagalah Diri

I think this is the best song that describes my feeling now..
Every words...and the melody..it touched my heart..
Conclude what I want to say that cannot be spoken

20 days since he left us..

Jagalah Diri – Jaclyn Victor

Mata kau berhentilah menangis
Jemari kesat ke pipi
Hati cukuplah dirasuk sedih
Kerana kau takkan kembali

Takdir mengubah hubungan kita
Dia padam dari jaga
Bicara hanyalah dalam doa
Yang dipanjat pada yang Esa
Ya Tuhanku
Jagalah diri ini menempuh
Hidup sepi tabah menerima takdir

Ya Tuhanku
Ketemukanlah kami berdua nanti
Hingga itu ku mohon kau
Jagalah dirinya
Jiwa walaupun terpisah jua
Selalu pergi dengan-Nya
Sisa yang masih ada di sini
Ku bertaut ke nafas terakhir


Al-Fatihah... semoga kami bertemu di syurga. Ameen.

Review D&C di Annur Bangi

Alhamdulillah sudah genap 10 hari selepas D&C atau orang melayu panggil "cuci rahim".

Marilah kita flashback kronologi peristiwa ni.

1. Lepas Dr. Khamsiah confirmkan yang kandungan memang tak selamat, kami terus book utk D&C di Annur Bangi. Kami diberi dokumen2 utk admit OT and hospital. Operation dijadualkan at 730am. So kena ada kat hospital by 6.30am

2. Menanti saat utk D&C sangat memeritkan. After stop makan duphaston. Bleeding makin bertambah, dengan cramp yang dahsyat. Bayangkan menahan sakit dari Jumaat sampai Rabu.. Before u ask anything, i cant take painkiller, so kena tahan sakit. Tapi entah, rasa indah je sakit tu. Membayangkan sdg contraction (i know it way lagi sakit)

Ni muka mengantuk pagi2 di Hospital Pakar Annur. I was excited coz nak cepat2 sihat. Bagus jugak buat lambat sebab ketika ni emosi dah sangat2 stabil

3. Kami menunggu dalam wad. Tukar baju yang patut. Oh lupa, kena berpuasa dari 12 malam sebelum tu dan makan ubat untuk buka rahim. My last meal was at Miyagi hehe. Just in case la kalau2 jadi apa2 hahaa.

Prosedur untuk ibu-ibu yang bersalin di Annur.

Ni bila dah tukar baju sakit. First time wooo sume ni hahaa

Tak sakit pun cewah hahaa

Kami tempah single room. Tak kesah sangatla kos dia sebab GL haha.

4. Lepas tu, nurse bawak masuk ke OT. Doc bius cakap saya akan tidur, bila bangun je semua dah siap. Dr. Khamsiah pun datang dan terus dibius.

5. Bangun2 je terdengar orang bercakap2. Owhh dah siap dah. Dalam 30mins je kot tak silap. Rasa "vibrate" satu badan. Then Dr. Kham datang tanya if sakit. Nope. Alhamdulillah tak rasa sakit. Much much better than before. tapi dah start rasa pening dan rasa nak muntah

6. Dr. cakap kena stay 1 day sebab bleeding banyak. Ok je stay. Bilik pun best. Tak pernah tido hospital. haha. Nurse cek every 30mins pendarahan n blood pressure. Afta 4 hours baru boleh makan. Alhamdulillah semua ok. I was supposed to take painkiller tp xdela kan. But it was ok, sebab tak sakit sangat.

Malam tu family datang. Diorang bawak album dan video masa kitorang kawen haritu. Sebab baru je siap. I just married for 2 month remember? haha. That night was full with laugh n love. I feel blessed :)

Yang bestnya masa melawat dari 9am-11pm and sangat rasa close n kecik so rasa sangat privacy. Famili siap duduk bawah  bukak surat khabar makan sate. haha

Ni gambar after operation n masa nak discharge.

My review for Annur

Good:

1. Nurse sangat sopan santun, baik, caring

2. Faciliti bagus

3. Doc pakar yang bagus (Dr. Khamsiah)

4. Setiap masa dialunkan bacaan al quran. Rasa sangat tenang

Improvement

1. Lack of communication between nurse yang tukar shift. I need to explain byk kali that i have allergies on medicines

2. Jumpa doc sangat kejap. Tak sampai 5 minit kot. haha. ke memang mcm tu?

Ohh lagi satu sebenarnya masih "terasa hati" dengan Annur. Sebab i got emergency n reference letter from doc because of my bleeding..bila nak jumpa doc pakar O&G on Saturday dia tolak mentah2 sebab appointment full. Xde sistem/kelonggaran utk case mcm ni? Esp dapat reference letter dari Hospital Annur sendiri. Hmmm..Xpelah..dah lepas.

Overall, good review la. Maybe can consider to give birth here. Tapi utk checkup masih torn..coz tunggu sampai 3 jam tapi bila dapat jumpa doc dlm 5minit je..sbb 1st pregnancy, I want more detailed explanation.. or ke mmg camtu? haha.

Owh lupa..total semua rm2400++. Terkejut wehhh. haha. Nasib ada GL :P

Untuk pengalaman my miscarriage boleh refer here and here

Life

Siapa sangka...

In the last 2 month 12 days...i am married, start new life, new house, was pregnant, miscarriage n first time experience operation :)

Alhamdulillah for all the experiences.

"Sesungguhnya ketika Allah mendatangkan ujian kepada hambaNya, Allah sedang memandangnya"

Pengalaman Miscarriage 2

..sambungan dari entry lepas

Jumaat tu kami dtg ke Annur lagi. We were so so nervous. Sangat. Terlalu. Then doc tunjuk keputusan darah...dari 16800 to 16200 something like that..so HCG dah jatuh.. memang negative. Then doc scan lagi..
Just to double confirm..

Kantung masih ada lagi..tapi kosong. Masa tu sangat bertahan. Muka hubby berubah. Doc khamsiah sangat professional. Cara explain n bagitawu bad news. I dah sangat bersedia for this. Tapi cuba tersenyum dan menahan air mata. Doc Kham bagi option utk bincang dulu dengan family. But I want to move on fast. Terus tanya dia mcm mana prosedur if nak buat di sini.

So kami book her time. Sebab if tunggu keluar dengan sendiri, it takes time n kemungkinan ada lagi yang tertinggal kat rahim. I know for sure i nak my rahim to be clean n healthy. I nak conceive lagi.

So we book our appointment dgn Dr. Kham hari rabu. Ada yang cakap sakit..etc.. Tak kisahlah. haha. I think my pain tolerance tinggi (amin amin..)

Kami terus makan our late lunch. I want something "fancy" to "celebrate" my 2 month pregnancy.
Sambil2 tu kami bincang apa learning yg kami dpt from this...
We realized that I worked too hard..on friday tu i work n i cooked twice. Kemas2 sume sebab my sis is coming. Not that my hubby isnt helping tp masa tu dia ada match n I ni degil.
Then..batuk yang sangat teruk. I refused to take meds sebab xnak baby affected. tapi kesan dia selalu sakit perut sebab batuk..
I still wear my heels.. hmmm
I work mcm biasa..business lagi. doing candy buffet plus work is tiring

IT WAS PERFECTLYLY OK WHEN I WAS NOT PREGNANT. sebab i did more that that when i was not preggy. People who close with me knows what type of women i am. Tapi maybe i was not strong enough like how I used to be. I thought i was strong but im not. I just do harm to my baby..urgh..

I was ok that time..after receiving the news. Even we laughed on something...then masa on the way back.. baru lah menangis.. tak tahan sebab teringatkan all the sweet moments when im pregnant

Masa balik we watch movie..then i cried ms makan.. sebab tgk movie yg ada pasal anak2.. sambil ckp
"I want baby.."

Got heavy cramp that nite i couldn't sleep..maybe sbb stop makan pil hormon so rahim try nak keluarkan.
besok pagi2 i feel something is about to keluar from down there. Cepat2 gi toilet n cangkung..it was a mess. blood everywhere..banyak ketulan darah mcm hati ayam n ada satu tu i confident itu janin. i can see bentuk mcm kepala badan n ekor n ada putih transparent mcm tali pusat. sgt kecik.. kejutkan hubby utk tengok n uruskan.. so i guess im officially gugur..

Pengalaman ni sangat2 berharga..kehadiran "baby" inside me makes me closer to Allah. Closer to my hubby n make me love myself more. I know maybe ppl ckp whats a big deal of it? Tapi instinct ibu tu.. I feel empty..dulu i used to self talk.. ckp dlm hati n know ada "org" yg mendengar. I really really miss him.
Im not sad of this event..just sometimes i miss him.

Last nite i cried again. Tiba2 rasa rindu sangat2..sebab ternampak "Diari Hamil" dan catatan pasal our experience. I really miss him. Hubby pujuk sangat2..n makes me more emotional sbb hubby sangat2 kuat..sangat2 sabar.. Ya Allah..Kau rahmatilah suamiku. Dialah suami terhebat..

When I told him "I kesian kat u susah2 jaga i pantang..padahal takde baby"
Akhirnya air mata hubby jatuh jugak..dia tak pernah nangis..

TQ for everyone yg bagi kata2 semangat. Even i know few of my closest fren cried when receive this news. Yurp saya sangat kuat. Banyak plan ahead (Allah's plan is the greatest). But im a normal human being. Sometimes im sad.. i miss him.. i miss being strong..can do a lot of things..not just lying on bed..i feel extremely ok tp i have to berpantang. I do this for my hubby n my next baby.

InsyaAllah we learnt so many things from this event. I never regret of carrying this for 2 months. Never. n I'm not sad...just i miss him so so much.. Every moment was a blessing for us alhamdulillah :)

Pengalaman Miscarriage 1

Hi semua..
Review kahwin terhenti sebentar.
I feel I need to write this. Sebab its one of my important event in life too.
An event that changed my perspective of me..and world and everything.

It started on Friday, 11th Jan. Tiba2 bleeding. Terus cuak. Menangis gila2. Bleeding fresh blood. Call semua org xdpt. My hubby tgh main hoki..my mom n dad ntah ke mane ntah.

Cuak tak tawu nak buat apa. Whatsapp my reference, Nisah. Sambil baring sambil google. Kebanyakan memang cakap its an early sign of miscarriage. Tapi ada jugak implamantation blood. I was hoping for the latter ones.

Actually dah mimpi buruk berturut2 few days before bleeding. Memang mimpi yang sama. Bleeding. Menangis2 dan tak tahu buat apa. Bangun pagi2 menangis peluk hubby.

Terus ke hospital pakar annur. Doc scan. Janin was ok. I was quite happy sebab ada progress from my last scan. I was happy and worried at the same time. She referred me to see pakar the next day. Dia bagi duphaston utk kuatkan rahim.

The next day...both of us bangun lambat. Too many things happened last night. Pukul 11 baru pegi jumpa doc...then pick up my sis kat KLIA. So both of us sangat penat. Turned out Annur O&G full and x terima my case even ada referral letter. serius i was so sad. so so sad. Then call lagi hospital lain end up semua pun full. OK. Masa ni i lose myself and menangis gila2 n marah2 my hubby. Kesian dia :(

At last dapat jugak appointment dengan O&G kat KPMC. Dengan Dr. Mimi. She scanned...and I was very happy sebab nampak denyutan jantung baby. Kelap kelip dalam tu. Feel like crying again. It was a good news...tapi bleeding doesn't stop.

Doc pesan jangan buat kerja berat2 n bagi ubat batuk coz i batuk quite bad. So maybe its one of the cause jugak.

Then the next day I continue kerja. I got 2 days workshop kat Le Meridien n i have to present. So i thought I cannot miss this. One thing about me..i will feel very energetic n lupa semua when at work. I was so happy and tak rasa sakit pun. The bleeding still continue...mcm org period tu.

Isnin tu..i dont know.. i feel very sad. I feel something bad is going to happen. Masa hubby tgh tido i was talking to my baby...ntah...its like saying goodbye jugak n ask him to fight for us. Sampai harini i really feel to la last time his heartbeat...

Selasa..we went to Annur O&G to see Dr. Khamsiah. Dia scan.. it was not a good news. Janin memang ada but we cant see the heartbeat. I know dia dah tak ada. I feel empty. But she was very supportive. Maybe sebab masih kecik. So Dr. Kham ask for blood test utk compare HCG. If in 2 days HCG tak naik or makin turun..its confirmed miscarriage...

Penantian dari hari Selasa ke Jumaat tu sangat lama. I know dia dah xde but we keep praying. We hope for miracle to happen. Every night hubby bagi kaunseling...kami sama2 prepare ourself for any news..whether its bad or good..its going to be the best for us.

To be continued...

It's a Loss

Yes... miscarriage..


Tak sempat nak update blog ni bila dapat tawu i am pregnant.
Alhamdulillah..about 2 months I carry my lil precious. Sepanjang pregnancy adalah masa yang sangat bernilai. Kandungan ini telah mendekatkan kami berdua kepada Allah. We focus more on our future.
Setiap malam hubby akan recite surah2 mujarab ketika mengandung. Kadang2 (most of the times actually) i already asleep.
Perhatian dan perasaan "berkat" ketika mengandung sangat sukar digambarkan.

Setiap hari berdoa baby sihat.
Dah sedar kehadiran our baby 2 days before my period is due. Terus2 beli supplemen.
We were so excited n careful as well.
As first time parents, persediaan tu memang penting. Kami beli buku..download pelbagai apps, did a lot of research..

Hubby siap beli whiteboard catatkan rutin pregnancy.

Pregnancy ni bukanlah tiba2..kami memang plan sebelum berkahwin lagi. alhamdulillah Allah bagi rezeki tu cepat, kami tak sangka! sebab tu banyak planned vacation in january. cherating, cameron highlands, boracay. tapi rancangan Allah lagi cantik... keguguran masa january.
panjang cuti kali ni...

banyak hikmah...

mungkin ada dosa yang bertimbun. Ujian ni dirasakan sangat relevan. Sebab banyak sangat rahmat dari Allah..
mungkin kami tidak bersedia...walau kami memang mengharap..tapi bila fikir balik mungkin kami tak bersedia. baru je habis majlis...rumah pun masih sewa..financial n physical x kuat lagi
mungkin Allah bagi mengejar impian dan menabur budi dahulu
mungkin Allah bagi lebih masa lebih mengenali suami dan berjalan2 dulu
mungkin kandungan tak sihat
mungkin sepanjang "percutian" ni lebih refleksi diri..dapat rehat. been too busy n neva hv time to reflect...
actually, im quite positive about this, but yes..naluri ibu. menangis berhari2 juga. i am so lucky to have such a wonderful hubby.
nanti insyaallah akan buat post tentang moment2 tentang keguguran. mungkin dapat jadi panduan :)
apapun, saya mengharap doa semua untuk dikuatkan kami berdua menempuh ujian ini. dan semoga next time insyaAllah akan ada rezeki lagi :D