Pengalaman Miscarriage 2

..sambungan dari entry lepas

Jumaat tu kami dtg ke Annur lagi. We were so so nervous. Sangat. Terlalu. Then doc tunjuk keputusan darah...dari 16800 to 16200 something like that..so HCG dah jatuh.. memang negative. Then doc scan lagi..
Just to double confirm..

Kantung masih ada lagi..tapi kosong. Masa tu sangat bertahan. Muka hubby berubah. Doc khamsiah sangat professional. Cara explain n bagitawu bad news. I dah sangat bersedia for this. Tapi cuba tersenyum dan menahan air mata. Doc Kham bagi option utk bincang dulu dengan family. But I want to move on fast. Terus tanya dia mcm mana prosedur if nak buat di sini.

So kami book her time. Sebab if tunggu keluar dengan sendiri, it takes time n kemungkinan ada lagi yang tertinggal kat rahim. I know for sure i nak my rahim to be clean n healthy. I nak conceive lagi.

So we book our appointment dgn Dr. Kham hari rabu. Ada yang cakap sakit..etc.. Tak kisahlah. haha. I think my pain tolerance tinggi (amin amin..)

Kami terus makan our late lunch. I want something "fancy" to "celebrate" my 2 month pregnancy.
Sambil2 tu kami bincang apa learning yg kami dpt from this...
We realized that I worked too hard..on friday tu i work n i cooked twice. Kemas2 sume sebab my sis is coming. Not that my hubby isnt helping tp masa tu dia ada match n I ni degil.
Then..batuk yang sangat teruk. I refused to take meds sebab xnak baby affected. tapi kesan dia selalu sakit perut sebab batuk..
I still wear my heels.. hmmm
I work mcm biasa..business lagi. doing candy buffet plus work is tiring

IT WAS PERFECTLYLY OK WHEN I WAS NOT PREGNANT. sebab i did more that that when i was not preggy. People who close with me knows what type of women i am. Tapi maybe i was not strong enough like how I used to be. I thought i was strong but im not. I just do harm to my baby..urgh..

I was ok that time..after receiving the news. Even we laughed on something...then masa on the way back.. baru lah menangis.. tak tahan sebab teringatkan all the sweet moments when im pregnant

Masa balik we watch movie..then i cried ms makan.. sebab tgk movie yg ada pasal anak2.. sambil ckp
"I want baby.."

Got heavy cramp that nite i couldn't sleep..maybe sbb stop makan pil hormon so rahim try nak keluarkan.
besok pagi2 i feel something is about to keluar from down there. Cepat2 gi toilet n cangkung..it was a mess. blood everywhere..banyak ketulan darah mcm hati ayam n ada satu tu i confident itu janin. i can see bentuk mcm kepala badan n ekor n ada putih transparent mcm tali pusat. sgt kecik.. kejutkan hubby utk tengok n uruskan.. so i guess im officially gugur..

Pengalaman ni sangat2 berharga..kehadiran "baby" inside me makes me closer to Allah. Closer to my hubby n make me love myself more. I know maybe ppl ckp whats a big deal of it? Tapi instinct ibu tu.. I feel empty..dulu i used to self talk.. ckp dlm hati n know ada "org" yg mendengar. I really really miss him.
Im not sad of this event..just sometimes i miss him.

Last nite i cried again. Tiba2 rasa rindu sangat2..sebab ternampak "Diari Hamil" dan catatan pasal our experience. I really miss him. Hubby pujuk sangat2..n makes me more emotional sbb hubby sangat2 kuat..sangat2 sabar.. Ya Allah..Kau rahmatilah suamiku. Dialah suami terhebat..

When I told him "I kesian kat u susah2 jaga i pantang..padahal takde baby"
Akhirnya air mata hubby jatuh jugak..dia tak pernah nangis..

TQ for everyone yg bagi kata2 semangat. Even i know few of my closest fren cried when receive this news. Yurp saya sangat kuat. Banyak plan ahead (Allah's plan is the greatest). But im a normal human being. Sometimes im sad.. i miss him.. i miss being strong..can do a lot of things..not just lying on bed..i feel extremely ok tp i have to berpantang. I do this for my hubby n my next baby.

InsyaAllah we learnt so many things from this event. I never regret of carrying this for 2 months. Never. n I'm not sad...just i miss him so so much.. Every moment was a blessing for us alhamdulillah :)