Moment of Truth

While waiting the time of my delivery, I never forget about the thing that had happened to me early this year.

A loss is still a loss, no matter how "normal" it is, how "small" it is..

Different people takes it differently. For me, it changes my life. It changes the way I appreciate every little thing in my life. Change the way I love people. Make me stronger (and weaker at times)

I am always a fighter. I fight till I get the thing I want. Also I am a good actress I would say. The person who can see my true color is my husband.

It is hard. Especially to hear people's feedback about this. Some are not considerate (maybe they never gone through this) and some are real supportive. The last person u expect will ask personally about my condition, is among the first who whatsapp me. I truly appreciate it.

The fear of never ever getting chance to be a mama. Fear of something is really wrong with me. Fear that people are right..

I got some people who asked me whether I dah ada "isi" ke belum few days after my miscarriage. Ada yang ckp horror stories, about I might never pregnant again

It feels like a punishment at first..Allah gave u something and take it back too soon.

From that moment, I tried to conceive again even my gynae warned me not too for at least 3 months. The first month is full of tears. It was quite depressing to see negative symbol. Last time, when I was pregnant I got another 4 person who pregnant also at the same time. Also my bestfriends who personally asked me and shared their good news when they successfully conceived just after few weeks I miscarried. My circle is full with good news. I cant be selfish and blamed them as they have all the reasons in the world to be happy..just like ur happy on your graduation day, wedding day, anything! but I know the level of joy of being pregnant is 100times better.Only a mother can understand this. I never understand this until I am a mother. I was truly happy, still sharing tips etc but as a normal person, sometimes I found myself cried in the middle of the night.  

People who never experienced loss will never understand this.

Allah is great. He gave me another chance. This time, I will make sure I take care of my baby. Give the best for him. Shower him with the love. Capture and enjoy every moment. Cause I never know when it will be ended. Even I am doing that, people keep giving negative responses.

Parenting is not only a natural process. I have zero knowledge. Then I have to learn. I dont know why people make big fuss about it, its not that i commit crime. I just want to be a better parent coz I know that I have a lot of weakness in my life. I never a good daughter..

I never regret about my miscarriage and my short TTC journey. Sometimes I flashback and make me feel more grateful about anything..some people just picture me as being showing off.. or too excited. Allah knows best and I am lucky that I have circle of positive family and friends.

I pray that all my pregnant ladies, moms and TTCians to be well and hope their dreams come true. ameen ameen.

never count on others' people blessings..u never know their battle and focus more on your own blessings..no one is better than anyone. I may have this wonderful story, I also have struggles in life. Alhamdulillah for everything :)